Today I thought about a gift I gave my mom one year for Mother's Day. As a joke, I painted a canvas and on it wrote a poem about how on Mother's Day, my mom should buy ME gifts because without her kids she wouldn't be a mother. She thought it was pretty funny. I still have that poem.
I think now that I am a mother, I STILL feel that way. I look at my beautiful little kids, and I know that without them I wouldn't be part of today's celebrations. And as I look at them, I remember my two angels who went to heaven too soon. I know we were so early in the pregnancy with both of those and yet my heart still aches for their loss even now, almost three years later.
Last summer, I got additions to my back tattoo. I know some people dislike tattoos, and that is okay. We are all entitled to our opinions. Personally, I think they can be really beautiful, and an expression of ourselves. When I tell people that I like them, and then that I have them, I often hear them ask why I then have them in places that are hidden.
It's not that I don't want people to see them - most people know I have them, and I'd show them to anyone who asked. For me, they are a personal diary of sorts, a remembrance for me of important things in my life. I have a kanji symbol for strength and the breast cancer ribbon that I got for my mom and grandmother after they battled and beat breast cancer at the same time. I have coming out from that vines with flowers, representing important people in my life that I've lost...Megan, Jesse, my other grandmother. I designed and drew all of these myself.
Then about two years ago, I got a big rubber ducky on my back. It was something I created from a few pictures I had, and it has a halo - that's for my mom. I have three gorgeous flowers underneath it - one for Jaime, one for Alex, one for Peyton. Jaime hand-drew all of these specially for me. I've chosen to have them each look different, be different sizes, and have different looks because perfection is an unattainable value. I wanted them to be like everyone in my little family - all different shapes and sizes and looks and personalities. We are all different and that's what makes each of us unique. And next to those flowers, taking flight and yet watching over the flowers, are two beautiful butterflies that represent the two babies I lost. People may say butterflies are cliche, but to me they are beautiful, free creatures who are born a second time into something so pretty. That's how I like to think of our losses.
They are meaningful, they are pertinent, and I don't hide them because I don't want others to see them. I didn't get them for the sole purpose of the world to view. I got them for me, because I want them and find them to be beautiful.
I don't think I've ever posted pictures of them, so I am putting one up here today.