It was just Christmas. I have two beautiful babies who make every day worth waking up. I have a few great friends, and a good husband.
So why is it I'm so damn sad all the time?
It's been nearly six years, so why at Christmas do I still think, "it isn't fair that my mom isn't here?"
I don't quite understand how my heart can still be broken six years later. I don't understand why my mind isn't able to let go of the fact that she is not coming back, and that nothing I can say/do/think will bring her back to me. I barely even spend time with her best friends anymore. I recently did a craft fair at my old gradeschool to support this event her friends hosted. And I had a full-fledged panic attack being in the place she used to work and love. In the past year, I've even stopped talking about her to people, hoping that maybe if I don't talk about her, all of these angry feelings will go away and I'll just move on with life.
Let me tell you a secret: Giant fail. Hasn't worked.
When she was sick, I spent 13 months taking care of her. I spent those months smiling when all I wanted to do was sob; taking care of her in all the ways that were the reasons I'd never wanted to become a nurse when I was younger. I faked the smiles so she would smile. Sometimes it was because I didn't want to upset her, sometimes it was simply for the fact that she was confused and just smiling would calm her down. I pretended the whole world was great, told her over and over that we were going to beat this. And we didn't. And when she died, I couldn't even cry. I'd become so good at not crying, so good at not feeling anything at all because the pain was too much, knowing she was going to die, that I could turn it all off at the drop of a hat.
And now I can't turn it off. I have this sadness that doesn't ever go away. I lost so many friends in that year. Friends didn't know how to act around me. Friends got mad at me because I didn't act sad all the time (when they didn't know that actually, my heart was breaking every moment of every day). One friend actually told me that she just couldn't make time for me anymore, because if I knew my mom was going to die, there was no point in spending every moment with her. I should just be out continuing my life.
So my circle of friends shrunk. Dramatically. I still don't have an easy time trusting people. There are very few people I actually tell many things to, for the simple reason that every once in awhile, I find I lose one of them too and then I go through everything all over again, wondering what is wrong with me that I cannot even keep a friend. I feel awkward in every situation. I can't stand to think that someone doesn't like me, because it means I'm not doing something right.
Between this and the recent falling out with members of my family who I don't trust, I feel a bit lost and confused. And the ironical routine continues, of me getting up every morning, brushing my teeth, and while I'm doing that I look in the mirror and force myself to smile, and the smile stays like a mask for the rest of the day.
I don't know how to get back to the place where I was before she got sick. Back when the world made sense and I still had my best friend. I feel like I'm cheating my kids out of having the best mom they can have, and that breaks my heart. And I'm not the best wife someone can have, either. I just want to feel whole again, to be able to move on like all the normal people in the world.
It's hard to imagine the old me. I used to make friends so easily. I used to go out, and have fun. I used to BE fun. I'm not even a shell of that person anymore. I'm going through the motions, thankful for what I have but always searching for something that is going to make me feel like I'm normal again.
I don't know the reason for this post, other than venting. I haven't been doing anything really creative, and I haven't even really been reading blogs, because I just haven't felt motivated to do any of it. I talked with a good friend today, and hopefully some of her perspective will somehow make sense to me in the morning. I hope so - I want to make the most of life, not just make it through it.