Monday, May 30, 2011

Summer has FINALLY arrived! (And we kicked it off in style!)

Ahhh...summer ;) First, we...

played in the new sprinkler

played a little catch

then more sprinkler

we got fishy fingers from being in the water so long

and then super daddy came home and surprised me with a hammock!!
i've wanted one for so long, i was beyond excited!

then we prepped dinner...complete with wine

p.s. check out all these corks i'm saving for a project ;)

dinner ... steaks, chicken, and corn on the cob (we make lots, so we can have some for lunch the next day)

then some more hammock time

and smores!!!!

we wrapped up the night with reading a few books in the hammock, bathtime and then bed. Sigh, what a great life!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Six years ago today, at this very time...

I was sitting with my mother, counting her final breaths before she left us for heaven. It's the first year I forgot about what day it was until a little while ago, which means I didn't spend the whole previous week obsessing and dreading the arrival of the date. Progress? I hope so.

Some people have told me over the years they don't think they could be in the room with someone while that person were dying, especially such a close family member. While I obviously wish that day had never happened, I have to say that because it did, I am very honestly happy that I got to be there as she left this world. There are months and months prior to that moment when a person is sick with cancer that all you see is the pain and struggle on their face. Even in their smiles, you see the sadness. It's there, buried in between glances and moments of clarity.

And those last hours, for us at least, it was still in her face. She was struggling to breath as her lungs filled with fluid. Her breathing slowed, and her body was rigid because of the effects of the tumor. And as she took her last breaths, and we finally realized she was no longer breathing, she was in our arms, and peaceful. Her face relaxed, her body relaxed. Surrounded by people who loved her, holding her hand and hugging her, she left this world.

I will be forever grateful for that moment, when I was able to see that pain and agony lift from her face and know that finally she felt peace. It somehow made the previous 13 months easier, and that made it slightly easier on my heart.

And just like she held me as I came into this world, I held her as she left, returning the favor. Life is only temporary, but love is forever.

Miss you mom. Hugs to you today and everyday.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Almost mother's day...

And I'm trying to be in a good mood, I swear I am! And it's not that I'm not happy for everyone else who has their awesome mom's with them to celebrate the day, because everyone deserves to have their mother with them.

But I'm sorry, I know it's selfish - but my heart cannot take a million more of these mother's day posts or commercials or all the other stuff that comes with this time of year. I want to be happy (I am a mom now, afterall) and I do my best, but I do cry quite a few times during this week. All of the facebook posts about moms, and all this stuff, is just a reminder that mine isn't here.

I just got done putting together my (awesome) mother-in-laws gift. We got her a nook color. She deserves it, because she is really good to us. And I made little mother's day gifts for the moms in my life. But then I get hit out of nowhere with this wave of sadness because she's not here with me anymore. I think what's hardest is that the kids will never know or understand how great she was to me. I'll tell them stories, but you can hear all the stories in the world about someone and still not realize how awesome they are until you meet them. Only my kids never will.

Sigh. I just needed to vent. Sorry for the downer on a Friday night.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Getting Organized (Did I ever tell you I'm a jewelry junkie!?)

I'll let you in on a little secret. Okay, a not so little secret.

I am a jewelry-aholic. But not nice jewelry, because I'm always scared I'll lose it or someone will steal it, lol. So, I collect fun, funky, play jewelry. And lots of it!!

It's getting a little chaotic. So in the past few days, I've been tackling it in my free moments and it's finally starting to come together. First, I turned an old, rectangular cream-colored memo board into a dangly earring holder. I have an earring tree but hate it, and this memo board is working out much better for me. Plus, it's prettier!

I even made a little something-something for it, and I'd LOVE to credit the blogger where I got the idea, but I cannot find my notebook with her blog written down! So I'm sorry, awesome blogger with the amazing idea, but I cannot credit you! She used magnets and a white board, but I didn't have those and wanted to use materials I had on hand. So I utilized a shadow box from IKEA, some hot glue, and some velcro. Oh, and one of those little containers you use for putting formula and baby food in, with the dividers in it.

Using all that, I created...a makeup display box! This will be so useful - this stuff all used to just be tossed in a drawer, but now I can actually see what I'm looking for!!

Taking apart the shadow box, and gluing a light fabric to the mat for some color.

Velcro! attached one side to the fabri, the other to the makeup.

Took the little formula divider thing, and attached it with velcro, too. Now it holds all the little things, like tweezers, eyelash glue, etc.


And here is my insane collection of play jewelry. You can thank Claire's and Icing for their 10 for $10 clearance sales.

My new little makeup display.

Necklace insanity! I use little 3M hooks on the back of the closet door to hold my necklaces and keep them from getting tangled.

Linking to:
Night Owl Crafting

Creations by Kara
Bargain Shopping Paradise
Tea Rose Home
Someday Crafts
Sew Much Ado
Paisley Passions
Blue Cricket Design
My Backyard Eden
Sew Woodsey
My Girlish Whims

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Am I Ashamed? No!

In the midst of my wedding anniversary last week, I posted pictures of my wedding day - and these photos included my son, who was 18 months at the time.

Upon viewing said photos, someone (not naming names) asked me if I was "ashamed of having him in my wedding pictures?" And how was I going to explain him being there, since you aren't supposed to really have kids before you're married.

It's not the first time I've been asked these things, and I know it won't be the last. The first few times, it made me angry, but now, I just tell them that no, I am not ashamed, and I couldn't be prouder of the little man I have today.

Here's the breakdown:

Yes, I was pregnant before I was married. While I wish the timing would have been better (my mom would die of brain cancer when I was just two months pregnant), I am by no means ashamed that I was pregnant - whether or not I was married.

I was - and am still with - a man who, as you read in my anniversary post, is the love of my life. He has been not only my best friend, but my rock and the other half of my soul for nearly 10 years.  And when I found out I was pregnant, I was scared. Not of the journey we were about to begin, but of what everyone else was going to say and think about me. And there were people who did not say or think very nice things about me at all. Hearing what was said about me behind my back was so hurtful at times, but it made me into a stronger person for it. It was during this that I learned that it is not what everyone else thinks of me, but what I think of myself, that truly matters. And if you think it's conceited, I'm sorry - but I think I'm a pretty decent person. I have my downfalls, and I have my bad points, but I think overall, I do a pretty darn good job of being a decent human being.

Now back to the matter at hand. When I found out I was pregnant, I was about to lose my mom after a very long journey with brain cancer. She was my best friend, and we were as close as a mother and daughter could be. I was beyond sad and angry. I knew the end was coming for her, and honestly, I was wondering how I would even begin to carry on living without her in my life.

And then I found out I was pregnant.

(This was our very first family photo, moments after my little man came into the world!) Suddenly, I had something so very important to keep going for, to take care of myself for. I knew I was losing my mom, but in my heart and mind, I felt like this baby was a gift from her - a person to love as much as I loved her, and to help me carry on with my life and keep moving forward.

For all intents and purposes, the little boy in my belly is what saved my life that year, and forced me to never give up.

In May, I lost my mom. It was hard and agnoizing, and the next few months were tough. So do I think it was coincidence that my son was due in early December - right before my birthday, and Christmas - the two hardest holidays I was going to have that year, the first without my mom?

Not at all - I think that was her plan all along. When he was born, and they placed him in my arms, he was by far, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. And I felt like my mom was right there with me - like she had been holding him in heaven until he was ready to be in my arms. And as I looked in those beautiful brown eyes, I knew without a doubt that there was no shame that was to ever be tied to this little boy's birth. He was perfect, and wanted, and loved - and he was meant to be in my arms at that very moment.

So to every person who wonders if I should feel ashamed that he was born before I was married, or how I'm going to explain his presence in my wedding pictures, here is what I say:

No, I am not, nor will I ever be, ashamed that my baby boy came into my life when he did - pre-wedding. He is what saved my life the year my mother died. And no matter where he goes or what he does in life, I will always be proud that he has been a part of my life. If he should ask why he was in the wedding pictures, I will tell him the truth - mommy and daddy were so excited to have him in our lives, and couldn't wait to get him all dressed up in a tux to help us celebrate our special day. He came to us when he was supposed to come to us, and every moment I get to give him hugs and love is the greatest moment of my life.

I love you little man (and your sister who came post-wedding, too!). Thanks for making me wake up every morning, realizing how blessed I am in life.


The second they place him into my arms

Isn't this guy gorgeous?!

The best photo ever - the love of my life holding his first born for the very first time. The smile on his face says it all. So no world, I'll never be ashamed of moments like this!


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