Am I Ashamed? No!
Upon viewing said photos, someone (not naming names) asked me if I was "ashamed of having him in my wedding pictures?" And how was I going to explain him being there, since you aren't supposed to really have kids before you're married.
It's not the first time I've been asked these things, and I know it won't be the last. The first few times, it made me angry, but now, I just tell them that no, I am not ashamed, and I couldn't be prouder of the little man I have today.
Here's the breakdown:
Yes, I was pregnant before I was married. While I wish the timing would have been better (my mom would die of brain cancer when I was just two months pregnant), I am by no means ashamed that I was pregnant - whether or not I was married.
I was - and am still with - a man who, as you read in my anniversary post, is the love of my life. He has been not only my best friend, but my rock and the other half of my soul for nearly 10 years. And when I found out I was pregnant, I was scared. Not of the journey we were about to begin, but of what everyone else was going to say and think about me. And there were people who did not say or think very nice things about me at all. Hearing what was said about me behind my back was so hurtful at times, but it made me into a stronger person for it. It was during this that I learned that it is not what everyone else thinks of me, but what I think of myself, that truly matters. And if you think it's conceited, I'm sorry - but I think I'm a pretty decent person. I have my downfalls, and I have my bad points, but I think overall, I do a pretty darn good job of being a decent human being.
Now back to the matter at hand. When I found out I was pregnant, I was about to lose my mom after a very long journey with brain cancer. She was my best friend, and we were as close as a mother and daughter could be. I was beyond sad and angry. I knew the end was coming for her, and honestly, I was wondering how I would even begin to carry on living without her in my life.
And then I found out I was pregnant.
(This was our very first family photo, moments after my little man came into the world!) Suddenly, I had something so very important to keep going for, to take care of myself for. I knew I was losing my mom, but in my heart and mind, I felt like this baby was a gift from her - a person to love as much as I loved her, and to help me carry on with my life and keep moving forward.
For all intents and purposes, the little boy in my belly is what saved my life that year, and forced me to never give up.
In May, I lost my mom. It was hard and agnoizing, and the next few months were tough. So do I think it was coincidence that my son was due in early December - right before my birthday, and Christmas - the two hardest holidays I was going to have that year, the first without my mom?
Not at all - I think that was her plan all along. When he was born, and they placed him in my arms, he was by far, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. And I felt like my mom was right there with me - like she had been holding him in heaven until he was ready to be in my arms. And as I looked in those beautiful brown eyes, I knew without a doubt that there was no shame that was to ever be tied to this little boy's birth. He was perfect, and wanted, and loved - and he was meant to be in my arms at that very moment.
So to every person who wonders if I should feel ashamed that he was born before I was married, or how I'm going to explain his presence in my wedding pictures, here is what I say:
No, I am not, nor will I ever be, ashamed that my baby boy came into my life when he did - pre-wedding. He is what saved my life the year my mother died. And no matter where he goes or what he does in life, I will always be proud that he has been a part of my life. If he should ask why he was in the wedding pictures, I will tell him the truth - mommy and daddy were so excited to have him in our lives, and couldn't wait to get him all dressed up in a tux to help us celebrate our special day. He came to us when he was supposed to come to us, and every moment I get to give him hugs and love is the greatest moment of my life.
I love you little man (and your sister who came post-wedding, too!). Thanks for making me wake up every morning, realizing how blessed I am in life.
The second they place him into my arms
Isn't this guy gorgeous?!
The best photo ever - the love of my life holding his first born for the very first time. The smile on his face says it all. So no world, I'll never be ashamed of moments like this!