Thursday, July 24, 2014

Like You ... And Her ... And Her

A couple springs ago, I went shopping for a swimsuit (which, let's face it - no matter what size a woman is, this absolutely SUCKS.) As I was browsing, I heard one twenty-something girl say to her friend (while looking at me), "If I was that big, I'd never put a swimsuit on."

Ouch. Double ouch, actually.

Now, I'm not huge. I could stand to lose a few pounds to get healthier, and yeah, there are some parts I don't absolutely love, but I was pretty okay with myself. My body has the reminders of bearing two babies and I no longer fit into all the clothes I put away before I had them, but I still could find clothes I liked that I thought I looked pretty good in.

Me in all my full-bodied glory -- I'm the one on the left. Luckily those chickies weren't there to hear my singing, which is far more offensive than my body size.


But in that moment, I really felt ashamed. Obviously I was some creature, there to disturb these girls' image of perfection. I sort of pretended to look for a minute, then slowly eased out of the department and started to head home. I felt horrible and I can't lie - it really hurt.

As a mom, I worry a lot about what my daughter will face as she grows. She came home this year from pre-school upset because a friend had said, "You can't come to my birthday party this year." First, the girl's birthday wasn't for quite awhile, and second, the next day everything was back to normal. Yet still, as a mom, I wondered how we will survive all the upcoming years of girl-drama if this is already starting at four years old?


When I really thought about it, I realized how many of my daughter's insecurities came from her seeing my own. 

"Honey," I'd say to my husband over dinner, "I haven't heard from so-and-so in a few days. I wonder if she's upset with me over something." My daughter hears this and instantly, the idea is pushed into her mind that if someone doesn't speak to her it must be because they're mad and she needs everyone's approval, not because they are busy or tired or just living life like is usually the case.

"Ugh, I look horrible in everything today," I whine as I stare in the mirror after a particularly awesome weekend of cookouts and fun and laughter with friends, because in my mind I still heard those girls - random strangers, by the way, who knew nothing about me - and their ugly words. 

"You look beautiful, Mommy," my daughter smiles, playing with her stuffed animals on my bed. "Don't put makeup on. Then you're not you." I frown in the mirror and toss on a baggy shirt to hide my flaws before adding mascara, because I just can't see what she does.

I used to hate the gym because I had to work out among women who were trained and fit and it was so intimidating. I'd walk into a party or a crowd on the street and feel intimidated by any slim woman in a pretty outfit because surely they're looking at me like I've just let myself go. I was positive they were internally rolling their eyes, wondering why I didn't work out more or try harder. I spent summers avoiding tank tops and shorts because, honestly, I'm paler than Casper and I have some dimples in my formerly-athletic legs. I didn't want to look at myself, so I thought, why would I show that off to anyone else? 

Two weeks later, my daughter comes into my room and, at four, says, "I look chubby today," as she twists and views herself in the mirror, trying (yes, trying) to pinch a piece of skin. My daughter was four and wearing slim pants - with the buttons pulled tight because she is so slim - because she is super-active and while she eats like a horse, she stays skinny (she has the metabolism both my parents did when they were young. And she lovvvves snacks. She'd eat an entire box of Hostess Cupcakes if I'd let her.). I told her not to say such things and that she was beautiful and healthy and strong, and she looked at me.

"But mommy, you are beautiful and healthy and strong and you say that."

Bam. Sucker punched by my own words. Is this what I want my daughter to learn from me? To fear what other people think? To think she's not good enough because she doesn't look a certain way? To seek other's approval instead of her own? Not at all. It was time for some change.

I tested out the waters a little over the summer of 2013 and found a comfort level with clothing. Then summer 2014 rolls around and it's hot. Really hot. (Though I can't complain after the Polar Vortex winter we had here in Chicago this winter.) I start heading out to my son's baseball games and two games later, realize that it is just way too hot to wear t-shirts and capris. But tank tops? And, God-forbid, shorts? They were still sort of a "yikes" for me. Yet the weather won out and I threw on a tank top and prepared for the onslaught of disgusted stares that surely must be coming my way.

Prepare yourself for the tanktop photo - I know, it's awful right? Avert your eyes! :)



And another one - tanktop and shorts?? I'm wild and crazy.



Nothing happened. No people running from the bleachers or making snide comments within ear shot. No one judging my freezie pop (only stopping to ask how much it was and where I got it). 

Life went on as normal. My kiddos still took pictures with me, the baseball moms didn't sit elsewhere in disgust. All the moms sat together and laughed and had a good time, and I started to realize that the only one who cared what my arms looked like in a tank top or what my thighs looked like in shorts was me. 

As women, we're fed this constant stream of what we should look like by the media, and most of it still isn't real. I am amused by articles like one I've seen recently where a woman is size 10 and considered plus size -- yet when I go to the store, plus sizes start at 16 or 18 or 20. So now they've got slim women they're calling "plus size," and that notion is pretty unsettling because of the double message there. If at a size 10 she's plus sized, what am I? (For the record, I think this woman is beautiful - but I wouldn't consider her plus size.)

Now, I have nothing against skinny and slim woman. I think they're gorgeous. I also think that any woman, regardless of size, who dresses nicely in clothes that fit looks pretty beautiful. So why couldn't I think the same about myself?

Those summers when I wouldn't don a swimsuit and get in a pool with my kids, I did get disgusted looks. From my kids. Because their mother wouldn't go swimming with them, preferring to watch from the sidelines. I missed out on the fun of being in the pool, choosing to sit out. So I donned a swimsuit this year at the splashpad and get this: no one cared! The kids went about their play and us adults chit chatted and had a picnic, and not one person hightailed it out of the park because I had a swimsuit on.

Me and cutest little red-haired baby ever (not mine) at the splashpad.


I learned from a slim friend recently that she is incredibly self-conscious when she's at a party or walking around town, because she is sure that women who weighed more than her (and by women, she meant women of my size, she clarified) were staring at her and mad that we didn't look like her, and that we all thought she had an eating disorder. I've seen her eat (and she eats very healthy). I've also seen her drink. And eat (a lot) of chocolate. I've never looked at her and thought she looked anything other than pretty, even sans makeup. This woman who I think is beyond beautiful has been worried that I'm embarrassed to be around her because she's too thin, while I've been worrying she is embarrassed to be around me because I'm too fat.

Wow. 

Seems like we're all here thinking that everyone else thinks we're too this or too that, when the truth is that the only people who a) matter and b) are judging us on weight is ourselves. Sure, sure, there are men and women out there who do have strong opinions about overweight or too thin, but from what I've seen it's a very small percentage - and basically like saying that all doctors are bad because a handful make mistakes when most doctors are excellent at who they are. You can't judge a whole group by a few bad apples - and that's what I think many of us, as women, tend to do. If some random person is an ass about whether you're too thin or too chubby, guess what? Who cares?! Seriously? Will their opinion of you ever matter in the grand scheme of things? And if they're judging you for your outside, consider how insecure they might be to have to make such comments.

So my challenge to you is this: wear the tanktops. Wear the shorts. Put on the swimsuit. Eat healthy but enjoy some good things (like amazing lemon-tinis and chocolate in moderation. Well, moderation most of the time.). Be proud of who you are and more importantly, be proud of who others are. Make sure your friends know how beautiful you think they are and that it is not based on their size, but on who they are. Make sure you tell yourself how good you look. Stop saying you're too fat or too thin and just be happy that you're alive to enjoy whatever body you have. Smile at a stranger or give them a compliment and mean it.

And quit walking around thinking, "Oh geez, is she thinking about my rolls?" like I did when I went to baseball games. Because guess what? She's not! She's thinking about whether her son is about to hit a homerun and how hot it is outside or if there's going to be another game that day or if the dishwasher was run or where she is going to plant flowers this summer or why her kid insists on hitting his jockstrap repeatedly to show he's wearing it. She's not thinking about whether your arms flap a little when you're clapping because quite frankly, she doesn't give a damn! She's just excited for you that your kid just got a single.

Look at these beauties - every one of them!!

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